In today’s world, it’s not uncommon to see people chasing endless options through open relationships, believing they will bring more excitement and freedom. Yet, many who explore these modern trends often find themselves feeling more disconnected and unfulfilled than ever before. While the promise of variety and thrill may be tempting, open relationships rarely deliver the deep, lasting happiness that most of us crave.
In contrast, despite its challenges, monogamy offers a path to genuine fulfillment and deeper connection. It provides the foundation for building strong partnerships, creating families, and fostering a life of love that not only enriches our own lives but also ripples out into the world around us.
Understanding Non-Monogamy
Non-monogamous relationships, often referred to as open relationships, are those in which both partners agree to engage in romantic or sexual activities with others outside of their primary partnership. There are many variations, but the core idea remains the same: exploring connections with multiple people while maintaining a central relationship.
But here’s the reality: this approach simply doesn’t work. It has never worked in the long term and, from my perspective, never will.
The Purpose of a Relationship
What, then, is the purpose of a relationship? For me, it comes down to a few key pillars: co-creation, growth, and intimacy.
First and foremost, relationships are about co-creation. This can take many forms, but one of the highest and most meaningful expressions of this is consciously creating life together—having children and nurturing future generations intentionally.
Beyond that, relationships foster personal and shared growth. My relationship with my wife has been the greatest source of personal evolution, acting as a mirror that has guided me through challenges and celebrations alike.
Physical pleasure and intimacy are also vital. They help dissolve barriers, deepen emotional connections, and foster spiritual closeness. However, pleasure alone cannot sustain a relationship. Without the other pillars—growth and co-creation—it would lack depth and long-term fulfillment.
A Garden Metaphor for Relationships
Your relationship can be likened to a garden that you and your partner cultivate together—a living, evolving space of co-creation, growth, and connection. A space of love.
The Seed of Co-Creation: At the heart of this garden is the seed you both plant together—the shared vision of what you are building, nurturing, and creating. This seed represents your dreams, intentions, and the life you wish to bring forth into the world. Just as every garden’s ultimate creation is the fruit it bears, the pinnacle of your co-creation is the conscious, intentional bringing forth of children—a living legacy that reflects the love and care you’ve poured into your shared space.
The Growth and Evolution: As the garden grows, so do you. The soil must be tended, and the plants pruned; this is the ongoing work of growth and evolution. The garden thrives as you weather seasons together, nourishing each other through challenges and triumphs. The changing landscape reflects the growth within both of you—constantly evolving, adapting, and becoming more than you were before. The garden’s resilience and beauty emerge not just from its blooms, but from the process of tending to it, day in and day out.
The Intimacy of Touch: Lastly, there is the touch—the sunlight, water, and gentle care that bring life to the garden. This is the physical pleasure and intimacy that nourishes everything else. Without the sunlight’s warmth and the rain’s gentle touch, the garden would struggle to thrive. This intimacy is vital, dissolving barriers and infusing life into every corner of your shared creation. It connects the roots to the sky, allowing all other elements to flourish.
Together, the garden you nurture becomes more than just a space—it’s a reflection of your shared purpose, your growth, and the tenderness that sustains it. A space of love, a living creation. And in the end, it isn’t just about the harvest but the journey of tending to it side by side.
Why Non-Monogamy Doesn’t Work
Now, let’s return to the question of why open relationships don’t work. With co-creation as the central goal of a relationship, how could an open relationship ever truly function?
Just as with a garden, your time and energy are limited. If you divide your attention between multiple gardens (or relationships), each one inevitably suffers. Relationships, like gardens, require daily care and presence. When you spread yourself too thin, you can’t nurture any single relationship to its full potential.
In an open relationship, you may find fleeting pleasure, but the deeper co-creation—building a life, a family, a legacy—becomes impossible. The energy and attention needed to cultivate a fulfilling, thriving partnership get scattered, leaving each connection wanting more.
The Argument for Monogamy
I will concede, if the purpose of your relationship is only physical pleasure and intimacy, then yes, maybe an open relationship can last awhile. This is, after all, the most cited reason for having an open relationship.
The idea being that with a variety of sexual partners available, sexual satisfaction is increased and sex is overall more frequent. As well, since being in an open relationship requires very clear boundaries and open communication, this is a benefit as well.
Many people also cite the fact that the vast majority of the mammals on the planet are non-monogamous, and so it is also the most natural.
Lets take these arguments apart and examine them.
Humans as mammals
First, the idea that it is natural because most other mammals are non-monogamous. This is, of course, an undeniable fact. As much as 95% of the mammals are non-monogamous. However, using this as a reason to justify a desire to have multiple sexual partners, just doesn’t carry any water. We are different. There are no other mammals like human beings.
We are the only animal on the planet that can create an image within our mind, develop this image over time, still within our mind, and then at some later date create this image physically. We have cognitive abilities and emotional complexities that are much more advanced than any other animal on the planet.
If we are so different from all other animals, why does it make sense to look to these other species for guidance on healthy relationships.
Bonobos are indeed non monogamous and sex plays a large role in their social structure, often as a way of social bonding and conflict resolution. Also, bonobos never shower, they don’t live in houses, and they also don’t seek medical attention when sick or injured.
Justifying our sexual and/or relationship preferences using other mammals is a very poor justification.
Base Sexual Needs
As for the idea that open relationships bring more sexual satisfaction—sure, it’s possible. If the pursuit of pleasure is primary for you, then maybe it’s the right path. But let’s be clear—what’s driving that desire for sex is a fundamental urge to procreate. It’s why the need is so powerful.
When we have sex for pleasure, we’re hijacking this natural drive. And yes, it can feel good. But when you compare open and monogamous relationships, you’re looking at two very different things.
In an open relationship, sex is often the main pillar, while in a monogamous one, it’s just one of many. The main pillar of a monogamous relationship is co-creation—building something together. Sex serves as a tool to assist this greater goal of co-creation, as well as mutual growth and evolution as partners.
Energy Flows Where Attention Goes
In my experience, the ultimate goal of a relationship is to create a space of love together—a real, tangible space where love, growth, and co-creation can thrive. Whether it’s a literal garden or a metaphorical one, this space becomes a sanctuary for life to flourish. But this requires dedication and focused energy.
How many gardens can one person cultivate? Realistically, just one—if the goal is to create the most perfect, thriving space of love imaginable. Your energy is finite, and the more you divide it, the less you can invest in each relationship.
Open relationships may offer temporary excitement, but the deep fulfillment that comes from nurturing one relationship over time cannot be matched. The satisfaction you seek in multiple partners could often be found by simply investing more time, energy, and attention into your primary partnership.
Conclusion
At its core, a monogamous relationship is about co-creating a life together—building something tangible and meaningful that reflects the love, intention, and energy you’ve invested. While open relationships may appeal to those seeking variety or temporary pleasure, they cannot offer the same depth, fulfillment, and growth as a committed, monogamous partnership.
If your goal is to build a life of love, to co-create something lasting and real, then monogamy is the path that leads to true fulfillment. Open relationships may offer a different experience, but they fall short when it comes to the kind of deep, intentional connection that is needed to truly build a shared life.
