Sex controls more of your life than you realize. It’s not just about attraction or pleasure—it’s a force embedded deep within your biology, shaping your decisions, desires, and even your sense of purpose. Yet, most either suppress it or let it control them.
We’ve been told two things about sexual desire: that it’s either something to indulge freely or something to feel ashamed of. But both of these perspectives miss the real truth. Your urges aren’t random impulses—they are the product of millions of years of evolution, influencing your thoughts and behaviors in ways you don’t even notice.
Why do so many people chase pleasure yet feel empty? Why do others suppress their desires, only to have them resurface in ways they can’t explain? The problem isn’t desire itself—it’s a lack of understanding.
Let’s break down the hidden forces behind your sexual instincts, how they influence your life, and most importantly, how to take control—so you can lead, create, and build with intention instead of being unconsciously led by urges you don’t fully understand.
A Dance Older Than Time
There is a beauty to the fact that every one of the 8 billion people currently walking around on this planet is the direct result of an intimate, naked, sweaty encounter between a man and a woman. Such a seemingly simple act, with such clear and direct consequences. The most simple act, actually, as if it was difficult then there would likely be less humans walking around.
Why then does this simple act seem to be the cause of so much turmoil in our lives? Why do people so often get into trouble with sex? It’s a big question. The most painful experiences in many peoples lives come from situations involving the people with whom they are having sex. Why?
First, sex serves an extremely important part in the cycle of reproduction of our species. Sex is the moment when two separate genetic codes (DNA) come together to produce an entirely new and unique genetic code. This is how our species ascends through evolutionary time, adapting and evolving to the ever changing conditions of this planet. Our bodies do not take this process lightly, which is why there are strong urges to have sex.
It also serves a role socially. We humans are social animals, and we need connection with each other like a fire needs wood. We need to be touched, held, and seen—not as the masked individual we usually walk around as, but as the unique person we truly are underneath all the barriers we have put up.
Sex serves this function beautifully. When most people are having sex, they let down their guards and allow themselves to connect deeply with the other in a way that most find difficult to do outside the confines of a private bedroom.
Spiritually, sex also serves a role. This one is harder to touch upon as people have vastly different spiritual landscapes. In essence, sex allows most people glimpses into the divine realms of ecstasy and bliss.
Physical pleasure is a gateway which can lead to other worlds—both internal and external—if you allow it. In the heights of a sexual encounter, especially in the moments of orgasm, it feels almost as if we are allowed a brief glimpse of paradise. Then back we slide back into reality.
So we have a physical, social, and spiritual component. In other words, sexuality ties in with our body, mind, and spirit.
Wired for Attraction
In terms of reproduction, sex plays the most crucial role as the mechanism by which genetic information can be passed from male to female. It is extremely helpful therefore to understand exactly how this works so we can understand how we might feel influenced by this process in our daily lives.
Females are constantly running a ~21-35 day menstrual cycle during which an egg is prepared in the ovary and released around the middle of the cycle, being available for fertilization for about 12-24 hours. If the egg is not fertilized, the body sheds the uterine lining, leading to menstruation, and the cycle begins again. Considering that sperm can survive in the females reproductive tract for several days, this means that the typical adult human female is fertile—able to become pregnant after sex—for 5 days per month, on average.
This is in stark contrast to the male situation. We men are walking around in every moment carrying around millions of sperm, each one with our complete and current genome, all available for use in the fertilization of a female at any moment. With each orgasm the average man will release millions of sperm, and each individual sperm is capable of fertilizing an egg cell.
After the female egg has been fertilized, the differences between the sexes couldn’t be any greater. The woman starts a 9 month process during which her body will undergo massive changes as she gestates the fetus, culminating the birth of the child. Even after the birth, the female undergoes more changes as the breasts provide the life-giving milk to the infant for years to come. And the male…
After the fertilization of the egg, the male is done. While my own beliefs around birth consist of a strong mental and spiritual component coming from the male during all stages of gestation, birth and child-rearing, physically, the males job is done after conception. That is, as far as the initial stages of fertilization go, and as far as evolution is concerned. Of course, the male typically provides physical safety and resources during all stages, but not necessarily.
Looking at the situation from an evolutionary lens, the male is massively incentivized to fertilize as many females as possible. We are talking about ancient man here, hundreds of thousands of years ago, and how he evolved over time. When we are looking at the genetic influences that affect behavior, we have to only consider the continuance of the DNA.
Echoes of the Past
Now, without physical security, the likelihood of his chosen female bringing a baby to term and successfully raising the child is low. However, the male can fertilize as many females as he has time for. If he only copulates with 1 female to raise a few children, then he will always be limited by her reproductive cycle: 1 child per year or so at the most, and this assuming he has the resources to support such a rate of reproduction.
In contrast, if he copulates with many females, say 4 per month, then he has a chance of fertilizing as many as 50 women per year. Even if only 25% of them successfully reproduce, that is many more heirs carrying his genetic information further down the line.
This is further supported by the fact that the gestation phase of the female is 9 months long—it would be difficult for a woman with multiple partners to know who exactly the father of the child is. As an ancient male genome desiring to reproduce, the absolute best situation would be to fertilize a female whom already has another male protector. Very little effort, and great reward.
The females overall situation is quite different. She is the one gestating the baby and then caring for the infant. What is important for her in terms of the male is the physical safety and resources he provides. What good is gestating and raising a baby if that baby will then starve? More than that, if she allows herself to be fooled and is impregnated by a weaker male who is unable to provide, she endangers her own life in the worst case, and in the best case has wasted a full year of reproduction.
She is massively incentivized to select the appropriate male. However, this poses another conundrum. The males with the best genetic material to offer were not always the best providers of safety and resources. She certainly wants a strong child with the genetic potential to succeed, but what good is that if the child will not survive? What if another male arrives whom is genetically superior? There is risk, but also reward…
Remember we are talking here of ancient people, hundreds of thousands of years ago. How did they evolve over evolutionary time, and what of these experiences were recorded in the DNA, in our DNA, that might be influencing our behaviors today?
Nature’s Silent Code
The species must continue, that is the banner waving inside the DNA which is inside of each and every one of the 30+ trillion cells of your body. That is why there are 8 billion of us walking around the planet.
Moreover, if we look at individual humans, each of their DNA would be specifically saying “I—ME—must continue.” Those individuals who were successful, who reproduced and raised their children until they were also able to reproduce, were the ones who’s DNA passed on.
This cannot be argued by anyone who is willing to look at the situation logically and openly. We have such incredibly diverse physical and social systems in place to help us select our sexual partners, they can only be the result of this ancient process. The selection of a mate is of critical importance.
Let’s look at smell for example. Whether you know it or not, there is a complex process happening inside your nose when you meet someone whom you might consider a possible mate. It is a subconscious tool for evaluating their reproductive fitness.
The pheromones their body releases share information about their genetic makeup, current health status, and fertility. If they have an immune system different from your own—which ensures a child with a more robust immune response—this will also be conveyed through smell. Overall, if you are attracted to the smell it is a great initial indication that this is a good potential mate.
This is of course what the entire scent industry of perfumes, colognes and musks have been designed around. We could continue down the line of visual attraction, social attraction, and more—but I think you get the picture. People put on perfume, their best clothes, makeup, drive a nice car, all in an effort to… What? Because they like it?
They do it because there is a message ingrained deep in the core of every cell in their body—survive!
Trapped in the Old Ways
So, this whole process of evolution has left us with quite a lot going on under the surface. There is a plethora of different voices screaming for different things, and these are voices we cannot hear directly. We feel them in our emotions and they shape our decisions as we move through the world.
The world is quite a bit different today than it was during which most of this evolution was taking place. Now we have complex cultures and social systems to deal with. If reproduction was complex before, now it is infinitely more so.
How well do these genetic influences around sex and reproduction translate into modern society? Messily. And how equipped are we as men and women to deal with this genetic influences in this modern society? Not. At. All.
First, consider if you have ever even thought about these things in a deep way before. Were you taught any of this in school? That there is a deep yearning within the cells of every male to mate with any reproductively fit female? That this is ingrained in the DNA and a profoundly normal part of the human experience.
How many men walk around denying this part of themselves as if it is wrong, dysfunctional, or misplaced? It simply is. To deny it is to deny yourself and your own existence—a precarious situation.
In contrast, how many men walk around fully embracing this part of themselves and diving in head first into a life full of sex with every partner they can find? They eventually end up deeply unfulfilled and missing the real depth of connection and tangible love that a wife and children can offer.
Blind to Our Own Nature
I find it particularly interesting that we do study evolutionary biology—however briefly—in school, but not those things that would be most useful to us. How is it that a child can go from 1st grade to 12th, studying a science class each year, and be eventually thrust wholly unprepared into a world full of sexual dysfunction?
Porn, models, fashion, perfumes, makeup, social media, advertisements, wealth, power, social status… The world and all its corporations and businesses are ready and waiting to take advantage of our biology. It’s not like science can claim ignorance.
These businesses are not walking blindly and guessing at what will attract our attention, getting us to do and buy what they want. There is a reason why an advertisement targeted at men will show a beautiful woman: they know how biology works. It doesn’t matter if the target male is happily married—the DNA inside every cell of his body tells him a clear message: reproductively fit woman=good.
This unfortunately contains the clear answer as to why we are not educated in school about our own evolutionary biology. It is profoundly unprofitable. People are less controllable.
More than that, it is such a fundamental part of who we are as human beings that for us to truly integrate it into our society in a good way, society itself would have to change. A great portion of the wealth generated in the world does so by taking advantage of us and our biology.
Accepting the Reality of Attraction
Thus far I have tried to keep this article as objective as possible. Our culture tends to want to wash things out that make us feel uncomfortable, but my own opinion is that it is absolutely paramount that we understand objectively what is happening. Then, after that understanding is attained, we can allow our morals to guide us.
It is deeply uncomfortable to accept that there are things happening within us and our partners that we don’t agree with. As a woman it might be hard to accept that your husbands default mode will be to notice the hot young woman walking by. This propensity to not accept who he is manifests in all manner of ways—the main one being a sense of betrayal or insecurity.
In the same way, it might be hard for a man to accept that his wife’s default mode will be to notice or be drawn to high-status, confident, or resource-rich men. This is especially true for men who have a higher perceived status or value than their current partner. If we as men have difficulty accepting this about our wife, we might also feel betrayed or insecure.
In both cases these tendencies are simply hardwired into our DNA. It is not a question of right or wrong, it is simply how things are. These are the bodies we were given, and these traits evolved for very specific reasons. Without these traits or tendencies none of us would be here today.
This isn’t to say we need to lean into these tendencies, but rather understand them so we know how to work with them. Most people don’t even realize what is happening, and inevitably end up making poor decisions as a result. Men often do pursue the new, young, attractive woman—even at the expense of a perfectly content marriage. Women often do pursue a man with wealth and status, even if there is very little else in common. Now we understand why.
Whether this is right or wrong is besides the point. It simply, is. A better question is: What do you want for your life?
Mastering Desire, Building Legacy
Probably if you are reading this then what you want is to build a life with someone. To grow and evolve with your partner, conceive and birth children together, and create something real and meaningful with this person. Maybe you have this partner already, or maybe you don’t. What matters is what you actually want, so you can determine your course of action.
If you do want to build this with your partner, then it’s important to understand all of this. It is happening not only inside of your body, but also inside of theirs too.
It’s common for people to want to pretend they are some divine being that is free from the shackles of their human form, but it just isn’t the case. These biological tendencies we have exist within everyone, and if you pretend they don’t exist within you then there will come a moment when you are weakened and unable to fend them off. They will then consume you.
How many stories do we know of the enlightened guru who was banging his students? Or of women who married someone just to get half of his net worth? Or of happily married men and women who, in moments of weakness, made one poor decision that changed the trajectory of their entire lives?
Well it’s obvious from what we’ve discussed here why that happens. People don’t understand themselves and their own biology. If we understand and integrate these understandings, then we can prepare ourselves in a way that we can actually hold space for this amazing life we want to build with someone.
Then, when these tendencies manifest, we can understand what is actually happening and make the appropriate decision. What’s the appropriate decision? That’s up to you.
That feeling in your heart when you see that young attractive woman walk by? That’s not a message from Source. It’s biology. The butterflies in your stomach when you see the famous guy in his sports car? Biology. Love at first sight? That’s biology too.
Alchemy of the Flesh
If this has painted a black and white picture for you, don’t despair quite yet. There is also a spiritual component to our sexuality that we haven’t yet touched upon. We have explored so much here already and this really deserves its own space, but let’s touch it briefly.
The spiritual aspect of our sexuality is harder to quantify in any tangible way like we can the social and physical aspects. It has not been recorded in our genetic code as clearly and legibly as the others, and it makes sense why not. The DNA does not care why we have sex and reproduce, only that we do. Spirituality is more interested in the why.
And, why do we have sex? Well we know the physical reasons, and as well the social reasons. What about the spiritual reasons for sex? Are there any?
Sex can be used as a powerful tool to open yourself—and your partner—more fully to the divine, to God. Sex can help you manifest things you would like in your life, visions of the future you would like to see made real. Sex can heal trauma, inspire change, and smooth transitions.
If you haven’t experienced these aspects of sexuality, you are not alone. In fact, I would image less than 1% of the population of the planet have ever experienced this type of sex. Most people do not even suspect there is more to sex aside from physical satisfaction.
This makes sense, as there are prerequisites to be able to have this kind of sex. You don’t go fishing for orgasms and suddenly find God. It takes devotion—not just to your partner or yourself or even God—but to all three, and more. It requires aligning yourself with the universal creative flow of energy, and using it to create something more than just physical pleasure—though it still creates ample amounts of that too. However, pleasure is a gateway to something more.
If you want to hear more about this type of sacred union, send me an email to let me know and I’ll write about it in more detail. I hope this article has helped you understand how your sexuality can influence you, as well as how to reclaim your power.
