The modern family is unraveling. Parents are losing connection to their children, marriages dissolve under the pressure of daily life, and the deep bonds that once defined family are now fraying at the edges. Why is this happening?
Why do children rush to leave their homes as soon as they can, while couples drift apart not long after the first child is born? And, most importantly, how can we fix it? How do we create families that don’t just survive, but thrive—deeply connected, lasting for generations, and grounded in meaning and purpose?
These questions aren’t just academic. They cut to the core of our lives and our culture. Somewhere along the way, we traded the sacred for the superficial, and our families have paid the price. Values that once anchored us—intention, connection, growth—have been replaced by consumerism, convenience, and distraction. Children sense this. They see through the hollow rituals and plastic values. And when the family no longer provides depth or purpose, they leave to search for it elsewhere.
Our culture today looks at children as these helpless creatures that need constant supervision and protection, that need to be spoken to in baby talk and educated before they can understand the complexities of the world. This view of children and the misunderstanding of their capacities for understanding is simply wrong.
Children come into the world a clean slate, with a completely open mind and a deep capacity for observation and learning. If we offer our children a shallow, plastic world, they will search elsewhere for the greater depths. This is why they leave.
Let’s ask ourselves, what is the average family actually providing to the next generation? What are the values we pass on to our children? Homes and lands we do not even own, that the bank will repossess as soon as we miss a payment. Plastic packaged food filled with poison. Holidays built only around consumption, with no real deeper meaning aside from eating, drinking and buying things. Sitting mindlessly in front of the TV as the images further indoctrinate us into thinking this situation is tenable.
Children arrive into our world only to find that their parents are entirely consumed by interacting with some other world only visible through screens—phones, television, and the internet. They were physically incarnated on this planet, but now they are wondering why? Did I arrive here just to eventually go be in some other world? Is there no merit to being here in this one?
Kids see right through this, even if they are incapable of articulating it. They know there is deeper meaning and purpose out there, and if the family does not provide it—or at least demonstrate it—they will leave and seek it out elsewhere. Camping trips and beach vacations are not enough. You can’t build a deeply connected family on the weekends.
Families Must Be Grown, Not Built
You can’t build it at all actually, it can only be grown. You might think the difference here is entirely semantic, but I disagree. Things are built by putting parts together, and things are grown by developing naturally, by maturing. This change of terminology hints at the reason families today are not as deeply connected and why they typically do not stay together. When people talk about family they speak only of building it, not of growing it. But, life doesn’t work like that.
You cannot build a human being, it can only be grown inside another human being. You cannot place all the individual parts of a person together and then have a living person. The whole person is much more than simply the sum of his parts. Why then do we expect that we can build a family?
A family can only be grown, and growth is a lengthy process. As well, certain things must be present at each stage of growth to properly move into the next stage of growth. For example, an infant does not require much more than milk and skin contact with the mother, yet a toddler benefits greatly from tasks to perform and storytelling. Maturing even more, eventually an intimate partner will initiate the next stage of growth, culminating in raising children of their own and the immense growth and evolution that offers.
There is a recipe for growing a family. Sure, you can definitely wing it—but just like winging the baking of a cake, you just as well might end up disappointed and with a big mess to clean up. Sticking with a recipe all but guarantees the results you want.
And, what do we want? A family that is deeply connected to each other. A couple that stays together forever, not because of some commitment they made to a priest, but because they are committed to growth and evolution, and they have lives filled with meaning and purpose. Children that were intentionally brought in to the world because they were deeply desired by their parents, whom have a family domain where they are always welcome and which is filled with purpose and intention.
Sowing the Seeds of Family
When growing a truly connected family, purpose is everything. Starting with the couple in the initial stages of intimacy, what is the purpose of the relationship? This intention at the beginning is the seed that will be sown into the soil of the relationship to be built, and so it is important to understand how this process works.
It is not necessary to have the complete vision for the family in the beginning stage of course, however, it is extremely helpful to have the right intention for why you want to engage in an intimate relationship in the first place. The reason is that these seeds which are being sown will grow and give fruit later. Much better that the fruit to come is the one you desire, lest you have to remove the old plants and plant the correct ones later. This is time consuming, labor intensive, and emotionally very painful.
Well, if the desire is to grow a family at some point, then an obvious good intention is, “to grow.” It’s not actually that important what the intention is, so long as it is something clearly positive and beneficial to both people. It could be many different things, and this will likely evolve over time as the relationship matures and the couple grows as individuals.
This intention for the relationship can and should come before the couple have even found each other. Indeed, having this intention for the relationship will be one of the most valuable tools in locating your partner to be.
You could just sit around and wait for this amazing partner to fall into your lap, but you might be waiting around a long time. If you consider though that this person will be the one you grow a family with, the one with whom you will share the remainder of your life and co-create children, then should it really be left to chance? This person will after all be the most valuable addition to your life. No, a determined search is necessary in most cases.
How does one search for the love of their life, the person with whom they will grow this connected family? First, you must create them in your mind, clearly and with many details. Appearances aren’t necessary here, but the details of how they live are. Do they care for their body? Are they highly intellectual or more emotional? Do they work a job they hate just to make money, or do they live simply and work at something they enjoy? Do they wear makeup? The specifics here don’t matter, which you will see shortly. What does matter is that you build this image in your mind of the ideal person with whom you will grow this family.
Then, and this part is key, you become yourself the type of person that this ideal partner would be attracted to. After all, what good is it to find this amazing dream-made-flesh if when you do, they are not interested in you?
Most people will find after performing this exercise that this person they have dreamt up is totally out of their league. This is great! Now you simply put yourself in their league, so that when you do find them you will both be attracted to each other. It might mean changing your lifestyle, sometimes completely changing it. This is a good sign, and it demonstrates the extent to which you are willing to work for this family you want.
A quick note about physical attraction—don’t stress about it. Our culture puts all the emphasis on physical attraction, smoking hot babes and stunning dudes. Understand this is a product of companies trying to sell you clothes, perfumes and makeup. It doesn’t actually matter when it comes to growing a family and starting a real, meaningful relationship. What does matter is that there is some physical attraction towards each other. Sometimes it might not be all that much, but there does need to be some present in the beginning. It grows immensely with time, intimacy, trust and connection.
Growing Pains
Now, once they have found each other, the rest of the recipe follows very naturally. It is time to grow together. This is easier said than done, but provided this intention is placed in the center from the initial stages of the relationship, it will happen all on its own. Keeping your heart open to growth within the context of a relationship is a powerful tool. It means having hard conversations, establishing boundaries, setting routines, being radically honest with each other, and much more.
Growth is a painful process usually. You might have heard of growing pains, and I can tell you its very real. Bones, joints, tendons, muscles, everything growing and expanding, pressing outward and stretching.
In trees wind is a prime motivator that determines growth, and if you’ve ever been in a large pine forest or near an old oak tree in the winter you can hear the groans and creaks of the wood. Emotional growth is similar, in that pain and trauma stimulates specific types of growth depending on the circumstances.
This part is not easy, and let me just say here now that it won’t get any easier as you move forward. If you’re like me, you might have a predisposition towards thinking relationships get easy once the right partners have found each other. This is unfortunately a product of Hollywood movies and is a completely inaccurate depiction of a normal relationship. Relationships and marriages are hard. Do not confuse yourself with thoughts like, “It shouldn’t be this hard.” It is, and it should be.
Now, if you’re older and have gone through relationships before, then it might not be as hard—but don’t get your hopes up.
There are several types of growth that happen in relationships and they are happening all at once. Very practically, we have to learn how to live with another human being, to wake up next to them every single day. When this person is the one with whom we are growing a family, it means learning new sets of skills and how to make compromises. More to the point, it means learning how to receive reflections—feedback on your behaviors.
We cannot grow as human beings without feedback, information from the outside world about our actions and behaviors. An intimate partner provides the perfect opportunity to offer us an unlimited amount of feedback in the form of reflections.
An example—very often something that bothers you about your partner is something that is rubbing up against one of your own personal struggles. This is not always the case, but it certainly is more often than not. This is a wonderful tool for growth, having that perfect mirror sleeping in bed with you every night.
Practicalities aside, we also must learn to grow with this individual person. They, like us, come whole and complete with their own life story, filled with drama, trauma and all the fun little quirks that make them who they are. And, like us, they will evolve and change throughout their life. Part of the learning is how to hold space for your partner in a way that loves and accepts them for who they are, while also ready to encourage and stimulate growth. Just remember, they will do the same for you.
This process of growing together as a couple forms the bedrock for the family to be built, and the formation of bedrock is not an easy process. Remove the idea that it will or should be easy, because it wont be—and thats good.
Life shouldn’t be easy, and how difficult life is should have nothing to do with how much fun you are having while living it. Parenting is not easy either (we will get there soon), but the enjoyment you get from it is immeasurable. If you are looking for the easy way, the kind of relationship where you can do whatever you want whenever you want, this is your exit here.
Conscious Conception
At some point in your growth together as a couple, there will almost inevitably arise the desire for children. That is, if they haven’t arrived by accident already. If there is one message you take from this article, let it be this—we as humans must bring consciousness into the conception of our children. This is the most powerful act of creation you could ever hope to engage in, and I encourage you to do so.
I have already written in detail about how to consciously conceive children in this article here, so if you want to learn more about the process, give that a read. I wont discuss it in detail here, as I will assume you have read it. Instead, let’s talk briefly about how to not conceive a child, so that as a couple you can protect your chances at consciously conceiving a child.
Life is about planting seeds and growing, its actually all very simple when you look at it like that. When it comes to children, the analogy really shines. Male semen is exactly that—seeds—and the egg cell inside a female is the counterpart, waiting to complete this act of creation.
Practically speaking it is all very simple, which a great many people seem to not understand. If semen goes inside a vagina, a baby will almost certainly come out later. Therefore, if you as a couple are not ready to consciously conceive a child, then take great care to ensure that semen does not go inside.
Many people are unaware that a woman is only fertile the day she ovulates and the surrounding few days. By simply tracking your (or your partner’s) menstruation cycle you can with 100% certainty guarantee that no child will be conceived regardless of the presence of semen.
In my own personal life this has worked flawlessly. We note her day of ovulation, add 6 days both before and after to account for error, which leaves 13 days each cycle where we know to be extra careful. Her cycle has been around 32 days or so, which means each cycle there are 19 days where there is a 0% chance of conceiving a child, and 13 days where there is a chance and we take precaution.
What type of precaution? It depends. If she wakes up in the morning talking about dreams she had of baby spirits, then we wont be intimate. She usually knows when she is fertile, so I trust that. We have never used a condom and don’t ever plan to. The idea of bringing something created out of plastic in a factory into our family seems out of place. Much better to simply learn more about a woman’s reproductive cycle and adjust our behaviors accordingly.
Also, we all know those moments of ecstasy where there’s a quick feeling in the body. You might even ask each other, “should we do it?” The answer is almost always NO, you should not do it. Those feelings come from your monkey brain and are always the result of simple carnal pleasure. Determine at the beginning of an intimate encounter what will happen with the seed—do not leave it to chance.
And, do something with it. It is quite literally the seed of life. If it was united with an egg cell inside a woman’s body, it would result in an entirely new, unique human being. Treat it with respect. Offer it sage, absorb it with cotton, and bury it. For gods sake, don’t let it end up in a landfill or a sewer processing plant.
Ok well it wasn’t my intention to meander off into natural birth control and reproductive anatomy, but here we are. Again, read the article on conscious conception if you haven’t before proceeding, as I am assuming you have.
Consciously conceiving your children as a couple, with purpose and intention, is the single best decision you could possibly make—for your child, your relationship, your family, and for each of you as individuals. To allow a child to come into being as simply a side effect of a night of carnal pleasure is about as big of a missed opportunity as a human being can experience. Don’t miss out.
Family: The Legacy You Cultivate
At this point the bedrock of the family has been firmly established—the initial seed has germinated and grown large, spreading its thick roots deep into the soil. The family tree is growing thicker and starting to give fruit, strengthening itself as it weathers the seasons. Here we see the value of all the groundwork that was done in the beginning, as this is (hopefully) the type of tree and fruit that we initially desired. If it wasn’t, it would be very difficult (and painful) at this phase to rectify things.
Things only continue to get more interesting from here on. With children comes another phase of life—life lessons abound and growth hastens. The more we choose to focus our energy and attention on our family and children, the more we will grow as individuals and the more our family will grow with us.
It is common in todays society for family to be more of a side project, something that is done while you pursue your dreams. If this is how family is treated, how children are treated, then what do we think will happen to those children? Will they not go out into the world and carry with them this same message, this same core value, perpetuating this cycle of raising human beings as a side project?
Let us ask ourselves what the effects on the planet and the human species as a whole are when this is how human beings are raised. First, a human being is the most advanced form of life in the known universe. Nothing humans have ever created with their hands even begins to compare to the level of complexity that each one of us as individuals is carrying around inside our bodies.
The pinnacles of modern tech—AI, robots, space ships, phones, internet—do not even begin to approach the complexity in even the simplest human being. Nobody would argue this, as science today cannot even understand how our bodies work, let alone replicate it. And this is just speaking of the physical form of the human being, not even considering the mental and spiritual aspects.
So, your job or your individual purpose—while extremely important—will most certainly not be your most significant contribution to society, at least not if you have children. Your children will be your greatest creation, nothing else could even compare. Consciously conceiving a child in the type of family we have discussed here and then raising them with attention and awareness has the highest potential to change the world.
If you treat your family and children like a side project while you pursue your own personal mission and goals, then you change the trajectory of their growth. Like a gentle wind always blowing down a canyon can make trees grow in one direction specifically, leaning over, the lack of your attention, care, and energy shifts your children to grow in a certain way.
Each time you work an overtime shift when it is unnecessary and leave your kids without their father for a night, you send a silent message that the outside technocratic world is more important than they are. And they will internalize these feelings and live their life accordingly. When they come of age they will leave you and go out into this all important world to be on their own, just like you did.
Of course, sometimes we have to work overtime, sometimes we have to prioritize things over our children. This is natural and good for kids to learn that they do not sit at the center of the universe. I would encourage you however to consider, each and every time you choose something over them, how necessary it actually is.
Is this overtime shift something that is truly needed for the family, that you cannot do without? Is it an overtime shift to make a critical payment on the mortgage, or is it to have some extra money to buy alcohol or cigarettes or plastic crap from China? As much as children enjoy a vacation to Hawaii, I bet they enjoy their dad not working a few weeks of overtime to pay for it. Plastic toys break and good memories fade. Memories of dad being gone working all the time never fade—they root themselves in the soul, in the bones, muscles and tissues of the body.
What I’m saying here is growing your family is what you are doing with your life. Wherever it lies on your own perceived spectrum of importance is irrelevant. When you die and are gone from the Earth, the only thing you created during your stay which endures will be your family—those living beings that you cultivated with love and care and attention.
If you have any interest at all in transforming the world, then grow a family. It is the only way. Imagine if each and every person on the planet grew a family in this way, if each and every human being was conceived with consciousness and purpose, and then grown with love, care, and attention. The world could not be anything other than a paradise. If families were grown in this way then it would be clear and obvious that the responsibility of fixing the world falls on the parents. And we would. Fix it.
