It’s all too common in today’s world for relationships—whether with friends, family, or intimate partners—to stay at the surface level. Many of us avoid difficult conversations, prioritizing harmony over honesty, and sidestepping anything that might cause discomfort. But this avoidance comes at a cost, one that’s deeper than we might realize. What if those uncomfortable moments we’re so quick to avoid actually held the key to our personal growth?
Throughout my life, I’ve always been the kind of person with one or two close friends—people I could confide in about anything, even the parts of myself I’d rather keep hidden. Beyond those rare connections, most of my relationships stayed in the shallow waters: small talk, shared activities, and surface-level exchanges. I thought that was normal. Friendship, I believed, was about companionship, comfort, and joy.
But as the years passed, my perspective shifted. I came to see that relationships, at their best, aren’t just about feeling good—they’re powerful tools for growth. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or even a child, relationships can serve as mirrors, reflecting back parts of ourselves that we might not otherwise see.
This mirroring is something no other experience in life can offer so directly. It reveals truths about our behavior, beliefs, and inner world—truths we might not even be aware of. And while these reflections can be uncomfortable, they are invaluable. They can show us where we’re out of alignment, where we have room to grow, and where our actions and values might not match.
There are different levels of mirroring in relationships, each shaped by the depth and closeness of the connection. The most basic level is simple observation. When I notice a behavior in a friend that deeply bothers me, it’s often because something similar is happening within me.
For example, I have a friend who is constantly selling, selling, selling and it seems all she cares about is money. This bothers me because I am quite the opposite: it is hard for me to sell anything, to the point where it is out of balance. We have to sell something, as most of us need to work in order to provide. If I don’t sell a product, then I am forced to sell my time. I observe this behavior in my friend, and it bothers me because I am also out of balance in this same area (albeit in the opposing direction).
This is the base level of mirroring which can occur in any relationship with anyone. Note also that the emphasis is on whether something bothers you about what you are observing. If it doesn’t bother you, but you don’t approve all the same, then its not a mirror of your own behavior. What indicates mirroring is occurring is the emotional response to the observation. When I stopped struggling so much with addiction, I realized it no longer bothered me observing other people engaging in addictive behaviors.
Understanding the Emotional Signal of Mirroring
Mirroring is a powerful ally on the path of self-growth, and every friend, family member, and intimate partner is there waiting to offer you this gift. An important realization is that it becomes a gift only when it’s perceived as one.
Many people whom are experiencing mirroring are much more likely to perceive it as an offense against them. This is a problem with our culture today. A great deal of emphasis is placed on not offending anyone, to the point that we are supposed to accept any old crap and allow it to pass as truth.
What we see with relationships and with mirroring, being offended is actually a really great thing to have happen. If something offends you, it is a clear indication that your actions, thoughts and perceptions are not in alignment—something is out of balance.
I remember all the family members I offended when I chose to go vegan for a year. I didn’t do anything to them, didn’t promote my ideas or even discuss them at all really. I simply stated in situations that required it—like at mealtime—that I wasn’t eating meat. “Thank you, but vegetables only for me please.” Then what would unfold afterwards would be a sequence of uncomfortable comments and justifications that I didn’t ask for, simply because they were offended by my personal choice.
And why were they offended? Because factory farming is horrible, produces horrible meat, causes horrible suffering in animals, and results in health problems in those that eat it. This is an objective reality. When confronted with an uncomfortable truth in our society, the gut response is to feel offended and therefore defend yourself.
The same thing has happened when some people find out our 5 year old has never looked at a screen aside from talking to his family members on video calls. No shows, movies, nothing. This is a personal choice that my wife and I made after looking through the research on how screens affect the developing mind. Despite the thorough evidence showing the negative impact screens can have on children, and the fact that this is simply our personal choice, some people still feel offended by how we choose to live our lives.
Being offended can be a gift if we take it as an opportunity for reflection. What would happen if instead of rushing to defend ourselves or tear down the offender, we looked deep inside and asked ourselves, “why does this offend me?” What you would find of course would be valuable information for yourself and your own growth as a human being.
Perhaps this is a good place to make it clear that there is a distinction to be made. I’m not saying it is always a good thing for someone to be cruel or mean. I am saying that anytime you observe a type of behavior or comment from someone else and it causes you to feel upset, annoyed or frustrated, there is something there for you. What that something is might not be clear, but it exists nonetheless.
From Surface Reflections to Deeper Growth
Beyond the base level mirroring, there are greater levels which can occur and which have increasingly more effective results in terms of personal growth amongst friends. The deeper the bond between friends, the greater the level of mirroring that will inevitably occur between them.
Friendship for me has always had an aspect of personal growth and evolution included within it. If you aren’t occasionally having really uncomfortable conversations with your friends, I would question to what extent you are actually friends. This is my own belief, as my life is guided by a single principle: growth.
Growth is an uncomfortable process. Bones stretching, organs moving around, world views expanding, values shifting, and directions changing. What’s more, if you aren’t growing then you are decaying. There is no middle ground, no steady state that is maintained consistently. This is how all biological life works on this planet, even the universe as a whole. Things are either increasing their level of organization or decreasing.
While a blacksmith hammers a piece of steel he is increasing its level of organization, into a form he desires. The moment he finishes the piece, it begins to decay. It might take awhile, but it is most certainly decaying. The same is true for our bodies. We go through life as children constantly growing and increasing our level of organization, until we pass some threshold where our bodies begin the process of decay.
If we take our being as a whole—a body, mind, and spirit—we are either growing or decaying. Whichever direction we are going is up to us, but it always means we are constantly changing. This is the only constant in our universe: change.
Embracing this, we can align our lives in a way that promotes and facilitates this process of growth and evolution. Your circle of friends will play a great role in the trajectory of your life and your growth as a human being. The primary way we can embrace this is by embracing the constant reflection of ourselves that we will see in these friendships.
If one of your best friends is greedy and it really bothers you on a deep level, ask yourself why? Why does it bother you? Is it perhaps because there is an aspect of your relationship to money that is out of alignment? Thinking of it logically, does it make sense that an extremely generous and giving person would be particularly bothered by someone else’s greed? I doubt it.
When we are bothered by a close friends behavior because it is not like our own—like greediness because we feel we are more generous or selfless—this is an indication that things are not as they seem. Either we aren’t as generous as we think we are, our friend isn’t as greedy as we think they are, or some combination of the two. At the end of it is the reality that our thoughts and actions are not lining up.
This is the power of true friendship—it can serve as an accelerant for personal growth, a protective barrier against our tendency to stagnate due to our inability to perceive ourselves from an outside perspective. A good friend can protect you from yourself, and they can do it mostly passively through mirroring.
Even better, we can lean into this consciously. Sometimes we need a push, and its better that when we do, it comes from a close friend who knows us and our patterns. It’s uncomfortable, but in my opinion greatly preferable when compared to the alternative: stagnation.
I’m not saying every friendship in your life should be based around giving each other pushes and reflections constantly. What I am saying though is that there are times when our thoughts and actions don’t line up. There are times when we are saying we want one thing, but the actions we are taking are not in alignment with that stated goal. This is where a friend can help.
In my own case, if I am always telling my friend that I want to do this thing, that it is very important to me, but none of the actions I am taking in my life reflect that, it is very likely they will say something to me eventually. This has happened before and it was difficult to receive that reflection, but also highly valuable to me.
The Value of Difficult Conversations
Most people prefer not to say anything in these situations, to remain silent. In many cases this is even the correct decision—perhaps there is not enough information available, or the emotional state is not clear enough for a coherent discussion. Usually however, people don’t say anything because they don’t like to have difficult conversations.
Sometimes in life we have to do the hard thing, but that doesn’t stop us from trying to evade it up until the last second. Hard conversations are hard. Whether you are telling a client that their idea is crap and won’t work due to a basic flaw, or telling the person you love most in the world that something they are doing is really hurting you—it can be difficult to express ourselves to others at times.
Its not just about being open and honest either, that’s the easy part. The problem is people can’t read minds. If your best friend is doing something that is negatively impacting you on a deep level, it is very unlikely they will know that unless you share it with them. The responsibility falls squarely on your shoulders to speak your truth to the world.
This is another wonderful benefit of a meaningful relationship: it helps us practice the art of having difficult conversations. Within the context of a relationship or friendship, there can even be a mechanism in place to have these types of conversations.
An agreement to be open and honest with each other. The capacity to cultivate a safe space in which a dialogue can be opened and things can be shared without becoming immediately volatile or threatening an ultimatum. A shared intention to come into alignment with each other and learn things and transform. Within this type of container with a close friend or partner, there is massive potential for growth no matter the issue which sits on the table.
Let me ask you a question now. If there was something in your life that was really out of alignment, would you want that information? If there were certain patterns that followed you around and affected your life negatively, would you want to know? Truly, would you?
And, if you would want to know, who do you imagine would tell you? Have you even cultivated this openness with others such that they might share something like this with you? Do you think it would hurt to hear the information? And more importantly, would you do anything about it?
This isn’t to say every reflection you get contains valuable information—not the case at all. How can you tell if it is useful to you? If you have an emotional response to it. If when you receive it there is anger, fear, frustration, or shame, then you know there is something there to review. It might not be that the information you received is accurate in its current form, but there is something contained within that is valuable to you.
Rethinking the Role of Friendship
With each passing year I have increasingly come to see friendships and relationships as tools for growth and expansion more than anything. More than that, a good friend can serve as a protective shield. Against who? Ourselves.
Think about the people in this world right now that you would sit down with and have a serious conversation about how their behavior lately is not lining up with what you know they want for their life. Take a moment to really reflect…
How many people did you count? If you are like most people, there is likely very few—if any—people with whom you have such a strong bond with that you would do such a thing. If something happens to a friend and they start to shift and change in a negative way—negative according to their own stated goals for their life—then most people would prefer to simply pull back and release the friendship. This is preferable to having a difficult conversation for many.
This raises the question: were you really friends in the first place then? Situations like this show just how insufficient the English language is. We are forced to place adjectives and adverbs to define what exactly we are talking about. The word friend is so casually thrown around that it’s hard to know what it means anymore.
Are your football buddies your friends? Is the person with whom you’ve cultivated a 10 year relationship with, worked together, cared for deeply, and known all the intimate details of their life—is this person your friend? Are the football buddies your friends, but this other person is your best friend?
We can use whatever words we wish, but the point is this: friendship can be whatever we want it to be. If you want it to be a surface level thing, then that’s what it will be. You can have your own ideas echoed back to you, everyone agrees with each other all the time, and when difficulties arise you don’t address them and eventually just grow apart and move on.
Or, friendship can be something entirely different. It can be something that runs deep, like the thick, sticky sap that moves through a tree. A good friendship can be a shield, one which protects you from yourself.
Friendship as a Shield
Do you have any experiences where a friend came and talked to you and told you something that was difficult to hear? Some kind of reflection of your behavior that they were pointing out to you, or encouraging you to change? I certainly have—many times—and I am grateful for these hard conversations. A good reflection at the right time can change the trajectory of a life, possibly even save it.
If you do have these experiences, know that those were good friends that came to you. Even if you didn’t change anything, and even if they were wrong in their assessment, they were good friends. It takes effort to go out of your way to confront someone for something. Most people would prefer to walk away and ignore it. If someone is coming to you with a difficult conversation about your behavior or something you are doing, you can bet they genuinely care about you. Otherwise, they would disappear.
And, if people come to you with something and they end up being wrong, this is also a great thing! A learning opportunity for them and for you. They learn about themselves and their perception of the outside world, and you learn how to explain yourself and your actions on a deeper level, gaining insight into them.
Many people might feel offended at the idea they need to explain their behavior or actions. Imagine, the idea that you as a human being are beyond reproach! Or that you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. If you can’t explain your behaviors, actions or ideas, then I wouldn’t be so convinced about their acceptability or goodness.
I have received a number of reflections throughout my life that were very hard to come to terms with, but because they came from close friends, I listened. Some of these reflections saved me, and everything I hold dear in my life. They came because I cultivated the type of friendships where the door was open to share.
This is what friendship means to me. If we are friends and you see me doing something that is clearly not in alignment with what I am proclaiming I want for my life, I hope you reflect it to me. I would do the same for you, and we would both grow and flourish.
