The Purpose of Relationships
When we are in an intimate relationship, its important to ask ourselves why. What is the purpose? And to be very honest with each other and have an open conversation about why we are together.
Do we want to build a life together? Are we just trying to have fun and share pleasure? Is the intention to grow and evolve together, or just maintain the current paradigm and enjoy the moments together? All of these intentions are perfectly fine and can lead to wonderful relationships, but it is absolutely critical that we are honest with ourselves and our partner about what exactly that intention is.
The only way to establish this is through open and honest communication. It always surprises me how many people are struggling with relationship issues and are not talking to their partner! Really talking.
You have to talk. Everything has to be on the table and in the open. You have to listen. More importantly, you have to actively listen. Ask as many questions as you need to fully understand your partner and what they want from this relationship. Only then can you both determine what the intention behind this relationship is.
And there is always an intention, even if you aren’t aware of it. On this planet, things are only ever growing or decaying; nothing is steady state. Continual birth and death. The same goes for your relationship: it’s either growing or decaying. And if you aren’t sure which, that means it’s decaying.
Growing is an active process. It requires energy and increasing levels of organization. Believe it or not, there is a formula for growth, even in relationships between human beings. There is a method, and here we are talking about step 1 of this method.
Setting Clear Intentions
When my wife and I started our relationship, the very first thing we did is establish the purpose of the relationship. I had had a few relationships before and had learned a great deal about women and intimacy. The subject consumed me and I studied every facet of the the topic of women, intimacy and relationships. I had read every book, listened to every talk I could find, and was determined to find what treasures lurked at the bottom of the ocean of woman.
We right away put everything on the table. I wanted to grow and evolve, to uncover my unique gifts to share with the world, to truly find peace. And, I wanted to do it all with someone else. I wanted to build something.
After listening to her, it was clear that she wanted the same. We asked each other many questions until we were able to discern that indeed we were on the same page.
This initial intention setting is absolutely crucial for any intimate relationship, if the goal is growth. If there is no goal, no intention, then decay is inevitable, as well as the pain that follows.
Growth vs. Decay: Continuous Evaluation and Adjustment
The intention doesn’t stop there either. This method of sitting together with your partner and discussing the relationship and the intention behind it is an ‘evergreen’ method.
Everything and everyone, in every moment, is always changing. Growing, decaying, evolving, devolving, birth, death. Our relationships are no different. What is true and what worked last year might not be true anymore and therefore will not work anymore.
Sitting down with your partner and having an open and honest conversation about the intention of the relationship is something that should be done every year at a minimum. If the relationship is under more strain than usual, then 2x a year at the equinox’s is even better.
Creating a Safe Space for Honest Conversations
A conversation like this can only occur within the proper container. The space has to feel safe. The entire point of this exercise is harmony. If one person has a different agenda, then it simply will not work.
This conversation is an investigation into each other, and taking immediate action has to be off the table. If one person feels that by being honest they risk losing everything, then the barrier to entry for honesty is high. Of course, there are times in life when we need to be radically honest and make a decision then and there and move on; however, this is not the space for that.
Commit to a period of reflection before taking any action as a couple.
Embracing Different Intentions
If you each have different intentions for the relationship, and it remains clear after deep investigation, that still isn’t necessarily a reason to separate. Maybe its just a phase one of you is going through. Maybe its a transition into a new way of being. It’s up to each of you to decide if there is a way to hold space for the other during this transition, and reevaluate after some decided timeframe.
As well, its always possible to just try. Maybe you both want different things, but the attraction and connection that’s present is enough to justify an attempt to see if something can work.
This is, more than likely the case in most new relationships. She wants kids and he wants to focus on work. He wants to homestead and she wants to travel. She only wants to share intimate pleasure and he’s looking for a deeper connection.
Experimenting and Trying
What are the odds of meeting someone you are attracted to, sitting and talking openly and honestly about what exactly you want out of a relationship, and discovering that you both want exactly the same thing? I’ll tell you, the odds are not very good. And, more importantly, it doesn’t actually matter if you want the same things.
An intimate relationship is something that is built together over time. It is extremely likely that both of you will change over the course of your lives. Therefore, more important than your current intention, is the ability to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with your partner about it.
What matters is the communication. Honesty. Openness. These are the ingredients to trust and will be the seeds of deep bonds that can grow between you.
Maybe he wants kids and she doesn’t. Or he wants to travel and she wants to homestead and grow food. Or maybe you want to build a long term relationship and they just want to share physical pleasure for now. If you do try things out and it doesn’t work, the pain will be less because of this practice of open and honest communication of intentions.
Moving Forward
If you want a relationship that will do more than offer you simple physical pleasure and friendship, then this method of communication and talking about your intentions is just the ticket for entry. It is the very beginning.
